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The crazy life of one crazy girl
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kari's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 19th, 2019
2:46 pm
I can feel it

I can feel it coming.. like that Daft Punk song. I was brought into Patrick's life to get him back on the "right" path. He's going to move to Seattle. He needs to move to Seattle. It's been amazing. It's been beautiful. Better than I could ever have imagined. I'm so grateful to the universe for this moment in time. It was amazing. It was fantastic. It was life changing.


He's going to love it. He's going to be highly successful. He's going to kick ass and take names. And I'm going to be so freaking happy for him. <3


The truth is, I don't want to leave Colorado. I kinda love being so close my parents and my family. There's no such thing as perfect timing, but I don't have a huge desire to change my current situation. Even for love. I know that's not romantic. It's fucking logical. I have a job. I have a house. I have my family. I have it all. Except love. A love that moving to Seattle. Life is short. Ian would tell me to go. But I've done that so many times and it never ends well. NEVER. I'm done doing things for other people. 


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Tuesday, July 16th, 2019
7:34 am
Space

I'm still processing everything that has transpired in the last few weeks and I kinda feel like all I want is space. Lucky me, that's exactly what I'm getting right now. 4 days of me time. To think about everything. To focus on what brings me joy. And to figure out exactly what's on my mind. I commit myself fully to all these things. Social events, people, family. And I forget sometimes it's ok to just turn off technology and focus on me and whatever I want to do at that time. 


In 2 weeks I'm going to spend 4 days straight with my brother as we drive across the country. In the last year I've spent more days on the road than I care to admit to. Probably close to 17,000 miles at this point. Insanity. I've flown more than that, but flying is less stressful in so many ways. 


In true me fashion I can't say no to people. I love my brother and I seriously can't wait to see him, but I'm also committing myself to another person. Like I always do. Fred wants to come visit and I couldn't say no to that. I should have said no to that. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have to stop worrying about hurting people. Sure, it's gonna hurt them, but I'm not doing it on purpose and I'm not out to do it for fun. 


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Friday, June 21st, 2019
1:58 pm
Finally

So I finally found a therapist and I'm starting a 13 week program next week. It's not cheap, but it is necessary. I need to figure out myself out. How to deal with myself and get tools to continue the work on my own for the future. I want to be good. I want to love myself completely... unconditionally. 


I'm really happy most days. Patrick is the sweetest guy. I love being around him. I just can't get enough of him and I don't want to hold back. I am holding back because I still need to work on myself.


Everything about him is wonderful. I feel like we're long lost souls. We've only known each other for 2 weeks but it feels like our whole lives. I'm scared to jump into anything, but no one has treated me this well or loved me like this since Sean. It's very similar to that in many ways. 


He's so smart, so talented, so gifted. It's kind of ridiculous. I feel so inadequate, but that's just me being silly. 


I'm excited to go back to the bay area, but I'm also kinda stressing over it. There's a lot that I'm going to have to deal with and I really don't want to. Meh.

Friday, May 31st, 2019
8:37 am
My book

So now more than ever I have a plan for my romance novel. Santiago will be a narcissistic, beautiful, emotionally unavailable man that Karen will have a wonderful fling with. She'll know she won't want to be with him as he does nothing other than give her his body. He's not mean by any sense of the word, but he certainly puts himself first ALWAYS. Way too much work.


Next she'll find Ryan. Ryan will be mind blowing on so many levels. He'll be super emotional and put her first. Give her all the things Santiago did not in bed, but she won't be as into him. There won't be that "connection". It will be glorious though.


Then she'll meet Jake. And Jake will change her perspective. Jake will be everything she's ever wanted and then some. Amazing in bed. Chemistry up the ying yang. He'll take care of her. And he's hot af. But in the end, I don't know that she'll end up with Jake. My book isn't that kind of love story. 


But at least I know where it's going now. 3 main plot stories. Santiago, Ryan, and Jake. We'll discover everything about Karen. That she's still looking for something. And I don't think she's going to find it in these men. :)

Thursday, May 23rd, 2019
2:03 pm
Meh

OMG, never repaint your own cabinets. NEVER. After all the freaking sanding, have to prime, then sand, then paint, then sand, then paint again. It's literally going to take all freaking weekend. :(


I need help. The more help I can get, the better. If I'm doing by myself, it's going to take hours. Shit, even with help, it's going to take forever. 


Days upon days of work. Hours upon hours. NOT FUN. Cheaper. BUT NOT FUN!

Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
10:39 pm
What if

So another friend of mine is being told he can't do stuff because his knee is messed up. This makes 2 people I know now that have been told they can't do the things they love anymore because their bodies are saying no. Makes me wonder how I would feel if someone told me I could never ski again. Ever.


I would be heart broken. There's almost nothing I love more than skiing and I was planning on doing it until I literally couldn't anymore. If someone told me I'm done for good starting tomorrow, I just don't know how I would move on. That's one activity though, so not as bad as no, you can't be super physically active anymore. That would be sad. 


I totally understand why my friends who have actually had this happen (being told they can't do most physical activity) are depressed. So much of my happiness comes from activity. There are chemical reactions that happen that produce the happy juice when you're active. 


It also makes me realize I should value what I can do a whole lot more than I currently am. I've done some crazy ass stuff, like summiting mountains, riding 100 miles, and running 13.1 miles. Wow body. Go you. Of course, those accomplishments aren't without side effects that are everlasting. My big toe on my right foot still has moments when it goes numb because my hiking boots were too small. And I can't run more than a couple miles without my arthritis coming back. So really, I can't do what I used to be able to do, but I still do a lot. 


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Monday, May 20th, 2019
4:57 pm
Putting me first

For the first time in forever. I canceled my trip to San Antonio. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but I will tell you it's the biggest thing I've done for myself in a VERY long time. I NEED to finish my kitchen. I've been living here for almost 2 months without a kitchen. I've been gone most weekends and haven't made much progress. Welp, that's done now. I started sanding with my mom yesterday and made progress. I need to prime and then sand again and then paint. It's going to take 2 full days, maybe 3 to do it. Plus replacing all the handles and hardware. 


After the week I had last week, I'm just not in the mood to put anyone above me right now. I want to do this. For me. 


Also, kinda love the crap out of my soon to be x husband right now. And for the record, it is possible to love someone and not be in love with them. He found my purse from Kate Spade and sent it to me. I get it on Wednesday.  YAY! Seriously, best thing ever. I love that purse. Not an everyday kind of thing, but a going out on the town kinda thing for sure.


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Saturday, May 18th, 2019
10:30 pm
Yeah, so that happened

Today was awesome. It was exactly what I needed. I am mostly restored. Massage, manicures, and time with my parents. Doesn't get much better than that if you ask me.


I'm glad that I'm putting myself first. Getting my condo in actual working order needs to be a priority. I don't think living off TV dinners forever is sustainable. And besides, I miss baking. I miss cooking. I want this place looking great for Ethan's visit in 3 weeks. And yes, I'm going to buy more curtains for his room. One thing at a time.


And I need a fully functional kitchen for my housewarming otherwise I can't make half the shit I said I would.


I'm glad I'm feeling better. :)

Thursday, May 9th, 2019
9:48 am
Sleep!

I cannot believe I actually slept for more than 8 hours. Granted I still woke up at 3am per the usual, but I went back to sleep until my alarm went off at 6:30am. Checked the weather. Determined I'm working from home, so went back to bed until 8am. OMG sweet relief. 


It was beautiful. I feel wonderful. 


And now, it's snowing. Why? Because I live in Colorado. This place is a hoot.


I'm leaving for San Antonio tomorrow where it's going to be in the 70s and 80s and frankly, I can't wait. There is no day forecast to be that warm in the next 10 days here. It's May. MAY. Come on Colorado... I heard you're nice during the spring/summer. Where you at!!??


I hope to sleep again tonight. I know I will when I'm in Texas cause I'll have the kitties. KITTIES. I can't wait to see Muffs. It feels like it's been forever. It's only been 3 months. I'll have to cut their nails and give them lots of love. Though I'll be back for Memorial Day weekend, so that's only 2 weeks from now. 


It's funny how time seems to go so slow and then you blink and it's been a year. What the hell? That's why you have to enjoy every precious moment. Be present. Really look at things. Smell the air. Take it in. 

Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019
11:05 pm
Outta here

It's funny. I spent 4 months traveling around the country and I seriously wasn't sure if my travel bug would come back... well, it has. YAY.


I'm super excited about going to New Zealand in December. But before then, I think I'll go back to Spain. Haven't been there since 2004 and 15 years is far too long. I miss you Barcelona. So much. Maybe I can spend a couple days there and then head to Austria to see Daria. That would be fucking epic. Actually perfection would be London, Barcelona, and then Austria. 


If for some reason I get to go to Amsterdam with the boss, that would be perfect. Hop, skip, and a jump to Europe. I have to start conceiving my evil plan. It would only be about 10 days. 2 days in London, 3 or 4 in Barcelona, and 2 in Austria. I guess this means I'll have to get on stupid Facebook so I can figure out how to contact Daria. Unless maybe she's on Linkedin. Social media. You silly bastard.


As for the New Zealand trip, I figure I'll need to finalize that by end of July, so I still have plenty of time. It's just a matter of which trip and how much I want to spend. I still think the multisport one is the way to go. Definitely spending my entire bonus on that FOR SURE. Worth it!



Monday, April 22nd, 2019
11:50 pm
Rough time tonight

Not that anyone reads this shit, but damn I'm having a hard time keeping my shit together tonight.


Filed divorce paperwork and I feel like the whole world is crashing down. Failure. No belief in real love (whatever the hell that is).


I feel alone. I feel stupid. I feel let down. I feel like I deserved more. I'm so sad. I feel unwanted. Not good enough. And


So


ALONE.

Sunday, April 21st, 2019
9:34 pm
Good people

I'm good people. I've spent the vast majority of my life trying to be good people. I sometimes don't know why I try so freaking hard. I'm so much better to people than they deserve. I seriously need counseling to figure that shit out. 


Where have all the good men gone, by the way? I suppose they are all married or hiding in a hole somewhere. When I am ready to get out there I want movie love. I want grand gestures. I want romance like it's going out of style. I want to be swept off my feet. I want my breathe taken away. I want to feel like the center of the fucking universe. Why? Because I deserve it. That's why. I've spent my whole life giving that to people and haven't gotten it in return. And it's about time I do.


For once I want to be chased. I want someone to ask me out. I want them to want me. It's always on my side. Always. And I'm kinda over it always being on me to make the effort. So much effort. All of the effort. And I don't even think it's worth it.


People tell me I'm amazing. I don't feel like I am. I want to. I want someone to say to me, hey, you're fucking amazing and you deserve the moon and the stars and I can't give that to you, but I'm going to try.


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Friday, April 19th, 2019
9:42 pm
This one time..

Have I mentioned just how much it sucks to drive for 11 hours? I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being shoot me now, it's pretty much an 11. 


My back and shoulder are NOT happy with me, but soon it will be done. Only 5 more hours. Luckily I've been occupied with driving and texting people when I'm not driving. Got in touch with an old friend. It's really great to talk to him. 


There's a lot to do this week. Mostly un-packing and getting to know my new jobby job. Then I'm off to SF for a weekend of fun, which I have no doubt will be fun with a capital FUN. I get to hang out with a puppy all day and have someone cook for me. Can't imagine how it could be any better than that.


It's going to go by fast. Faster than I'm ready for. I know that.


I look forward to familiar. To spending time with people who aren't self centered. To hugs. All the hugs. And a puppy. Because PUPPY.

Friday, April 5th, 2019
11:19 pm
Yep.

I have no idea why I'm not curled up in a ball on the floor balling uncontrollably right now. Oh wait, yes I do. Because I'm surrounded by my family. Thank God for that. The last 48 hours have been something out of a nightmare. I'm not even sure it all really happened. 


The place I work is, by far, the most hostile workplace I've ever worked. Full stop. It just continues to amaze me though. Every day. Being propositioned by HR. Being told I will work 19 hours a day just like everyone else. Being told, yes, you do have to work on your weekends because you didn't get everything done in 9-10 hours on a normal workday. Getting nasty looks if you actually take a lunch. People constantly leaving you out of important conversations that effect the work you're doing. Drama. The CEO not really caring about our guests. It's just all bad. 


I rarely see anyone in our office smile. Maybe on Fridays. Usually not. Everyone has this same panic/angry/don't talk to me face on. There is no culture.. or if there is, the culture must be work as hard as you can for nothing. Everyone tells me once the event is here and I see all my hard work in action, I'll be proud. I can 100% guarantee that is not how I'll feel. Especially because I'll be working 12 hours a day until the event and then 19 hours during the event. For what? Nothing.


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Thursday, March 28th, 2019
10:02 pm
Self Esteem

It's crazy to me how many people have low self esteem. The people you wouldn't think do. Like Stephen Colbert. 


I struggle with it, but there comes a point in your life where you need to believe in yourself. You have to be the light in the dark. You have to know you're worth it. I know I'm not the smartest person or the most attractive person, but I am for myself.


When you believe that, it shows on the outside. People think you're confident. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is strength. 


If I'm not good enough for you, that's fine. I'm better than good enough for me. And that is all that matters. I like myself. Someday I hope to really love myself. It's a work in progress. It definitely helps when people make me feel like I'm awesome. Which happens on a fairly regular basis as I have amazing friends. :)


Now if only I can find the confidence to buy an airplane ticket and go see someone who is making me smile. :)

Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
9:53 pm
Stress

This is what happens when you take 7 months off and then you go back into the work force as if a toddler learning to walk. 


Today is the first time in a very, very long time that I didn't eat lunch because I just wasn't hungry. That's saying a lot. I used to work at Facebook! 


I've lost my appetite almost completely, even when working out and running. You know, things that your body requires food for. I try to eat and then just can't. I'm being neurotic. I know this, but unfortunately I can't seem to shake it. I have been setup to fail at work and that actually breaks my heart. 


I don't have to be the best, but I have to do my best. And when my best isn't even coming close to being good enough, I panic. The truth is though, I can't keep working 10-11 hour days. I am not taking care of myself at all and just spiraling out of control. Granted, there's a lot going on, and the vast majority of it is out of my control. It still doesn't make me feel good about the work I'm doing. 


I wasn't trained. I'm not really being helped when I ask. Treading water endlessly without land in sight.


And the things that happened at work the other day ago. Yeah. I'm not able to forgive that. I can't look the other way. I'm too good of a person. It's basically the same reason I couldn't keep working at Facebook. Well, one of the many reasons I couldn't stay (there were a lot). 


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Tuesday, March 12th, 2019
10:24 pm
What is love?

The older I get, the more I believe that true love is actually what I feel for my friends and family. Romantic movie love is fleeting. It's lust wrapped up with un-realistic expectations. As time goes on, it fades. 


Not so with my friends and family. If anything I love them more with every passing day. I think about them a lot and feel so lucky to have them in my life. Not that I didn't feel that way about past partners... at least for a little while.


I don't understand why the initial feelings fade. Chemistry disappears. Sexual tension dissolves. I've been married twice. It's happened both times. For different reasons though. I wanted someone who loved me passionately, fiercely, and without holding back. I got that with the first one for awhile. Then life tragedies happened and everything changed. The second one was all about winning my affection and then once he had me, business as usual. 


By the time I left both relationships I felt like I wasn't myself and had zero attraction to the person. Though, looking back on it, it's possible I never had real chemistry. I was scared to be alone forever and hadn't come down off the high I was on from dating someone else.


I have some friends who have been married for years and still look at each with such passion... so, maybe it can happen? 


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Sunday, February 17th, 2019
9:57 pm
Oh life, you're so silly sometimes
So, in an amazing turn of events, I've accepted a job at a music festival. For the first time since 2008, I'm going to be something different than being an admin! I'll be the Guest Services Product Manager. FANCY! Just like me! I have a mentor and my career towards operations is finally on track!

I'm sad because the story I came up with in my head didn't turn out. I wanted my movie to come true, but, as it so happens, my daydream ain't reality. But man, I'm glad it's working out this way.

I stopped drinking. I started working out 6 days a week. I feel good. I still feel lonely sometimes, but it's less now than it's been in a long time.

Lots of exciting new things to come. I'm heading to San Antonio tomorrow to see my kitties, and hopefully in the next couple months, I'll bring them home. First, I have to find home. Somewhere near south Denver. :)
Sunday, January 27th, 2019
12:33 am
Back to work?
Maybe. I'm not super keen on the idea, but I also need healthcare, a place to live, and income... so I can't not work ever again.

I had phone interviews on Friday with two companies. One is more remote and part time for now. The other is full time and supporting 2 higher ups. Obviously the part time one would not have benefits. The full time one is kinda meh with their benefits. At least for the first year. Then it's mediocre.

I guess I need to realize I'm not in the tech bubble anymore. There's no more full benefits including 401k matching and RSUs. That's what I wanted, so I could have more work/life balance.

I may or may not be going in for in person interviews with the second company on Tuesday. We shall see. As it is, I have to go buy interview clothes because all my nice stuff is still in California.

I guess if I don't get either job, I could theoretically go get my clothes after skiing Utah. It's just a long ass drive. I'm feeling rather meh about it. Though I know I'm feeling stuff because I've lost my appetite and I'm kinda of nauseous.

Oh Life. I'm not sure I'm ready for reality yet. :\
Thursday, January 24th, 2019
10:45 pm
Saying no
I wish it wasn't so hard to tell people no. I have to start putting myself first. Seriously. WTF? I need to care about what I want and how I feel. It's going to hurt some people, but whatever, it's not like I'm being mean about it.

I've been interviewing... ish. I'm not super thrilled about going back to work, but I know I have to. I'm going to be super picky about it. I will most likely take this part time job if they offer it, simply because it's less stressful. It's like taking baby steps. The only real issue is no health care. And it's half of what I was making in the bay area. Though, at the moment, I have free rent, so there's that.

Also means no paid time off or holiday pay. Sigh. But whatever, it's temporary until I find something I want to do. It's better than sitting around all day.

At some point, Brian and I have to figure out how to sell our stupid RV and split up our storage unit. I'm pretty sure we will work those details out when we go to Utah. I'm not even worried about it really. It's been over a month since I left and I'm in a good place. I just wish that therapist I found would call me back. I'm going to give it one more day and then I'm going to find someone else.

Tomorrow, follow up interviews with 2 companies and I need to fill out a Microsoft test thing to show how well I know Microsoft products. Blah blah. I fly back to Colorado on Monday and then I leave for Utah on Wednesday. Busy busy.
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